Magnificent Bear return inspires victory over Oxford University

Sunday saw the intrusion of Oxford University 4th team into hockey superpower Henley’s airspace.

In a return that has been as eagerly awaited as the new “Top Gun 2” film, after a long period of injury Mike-Bear “Maverick” Woolfrey took his position at left back [Maverick – “reckless attitude and cocky demeanor puts him at odds with the other pilots”], along with co-pilot and sparring / bickering partner Ian “Goose” Heggie at right back.

Mike complained that Heggie at right back is a bit like Goose flying the plane, and Goose doesn’t fly the plane, Goose navigates, Maverick flies the plane. However, for 70 precious minutes, they managed to put the rancour of the “Heggie Out” campaign to one side.

Carrying some injuries and notable fatigue from the previous day’s game and Saturday night’s drinking exertions (some of the team working on their drinking techniques until 4am) Henley initially struggled to contain the pace and fast movement of the visiting students.

However, the home side soon exerted air superiority with a tight formation providing close air support to one another, and a press that the visitors found difficult to break through.

Henley proudly split their team into age and youth. Age at the back, with the back three at one stage sharing more than 130 years of valuable life experience between them – compared to fewer than 50 cumulative years from the front three. After the match, Bear had to explain to the younger generation that Top Gun is romantic military action drama film (a pretty rare genre it has to be said) originally released in 1986. More than a decade before any of them were born.

Our forward line are like sleek, shiny, high-speed, next-generation Eurofighters - just off the production line. The defence is like the squadron of Sea Harriers in the Falklands. Slow, ageing, subsonic. Soon to be obsolete. Should have been easy prey for the supersonic Mirages of the Argentinians. But the surprising manoeuvrability, superior armaments, better pilot training, combat experience, and the strategy of hunting in packs proved decisive for the Royal Navy.

At our age with deteriorating eyesight, it’s difficult to see what the young pups are doing up front, but they generally seem to do it well – when they can be bothered to hit the target. And we know they’ve scored when there’s a bit of kerfuffle at the other end of the pitch, a cheer, and then they return the ball back to the centre line.

Anyway, Timothy “Reaper” Herbert took the task of marshalling the forwards and as usual looked absolutely lethal. If it were not possibly politically incorrect, I might liken the Oxford defence to a Toyota Hilux full of high-value ISIS targets caught in the open in the Iraqi desert about to receive the displeasure of a couple of incoming Hellfire missiles launched from Timothy’s Reaper drone.

Henley were quickly awarded a short corner which was duly converted by James “Whammy” Baker, blowing a hole straight through the goalkeeper (not literally). Several excellent chances then followed, with John-Joe “Afterburner” Cottam attempting an impressive 4g inverted aerial barrel roll in front of goal, unfortunate not to make contact with the ball, though this is clearly of secondary importance in the style stakes.

Henley were then awarded a penalty flick against a defender interfering with a goal-bound shot. Ian “Sleepmaker” Rechner (definitely a character you could see striding across a remote airfield with a battered leather jacket, in his Rayban Aviators, chewing a cigar rumbling on about the sh*t he did with the CIA in Vietnam) scored from this, and then added another following a superb move down the left with Harry “Trainee Bulldozer” Wray, Sleepmaker unleashing an unstoppable goalseeking-missile of a strike.

James “Stealth” Rechner then added another, and while Oxford responded with a goal of their own following a fast break, Henley went into the interval at 4-1 looking assured of victory.

But after the break, a reinvigorated Oxford rearmed themselves and took advantage of the ageing and tiring Henley defence, who looked like they needed some air-to-air refuelling, adding two goals in quick succession.

However, the substitution of Maverick into the back line brought experience and control back to the Henley game. This period of calm enabled the home side to reassert their advantage with another penalty flick converted by Sleepmaker who then added another in open play.

Tim “Looser Than Goose” Barrass had a great chance at the far post, but found that his intention was writing cheques his body couldn’t cash and – unsurprisingly having fallen asleep in his curry the previous night – he missed from close range complaining that his radar-guided target acquisition equipment was faulty.

Stealth then added another to take the score to 7-3, although he was denied permission to join the short corner routine by his father, Sleepmaker claiming that the pattern was full (and not wanting to be outscored by the cheeky young pup).

Heggie was overheard saying to Bear as they walked off the pitch – “you can be my wingman, any time”. “Bullsh*t – you can be mine”, Bear replied.

Ah, that loving feeling.