Henley Hit Guildford for Six

This dramatization is inspired by true events. However, certain scenes, characters, names, businesses, incidents, locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.

Location: Broadwater School, Guildford
Weather: Overcast
Date: 5th February 2017
Kick off: 14:00hrs

Henley Hockey Club mens 1XI travelled down to Guildford to engage in a rescheduled sporting contest which, had previously been disrupted by a tickle of frost on the over-watered and under-drained bath mat Guildford HC, label a hockey pitch.

The match day squad was orthodox but with a few players unable to make the trip. There was a lack of international coaching experience with both January signing Danny Newcombe and David Ralph out of the squad. Newcombe picking up a Henley classic (hamstring related injury) on his Jubilee Park debut the previous day and Ralph was absent as he was looking after his first born, baby girl Geoff. A more conventional admission from the squad was the part time first touch specialist Joseph Jeff who was away on a weight watchers retreat finding his true self.

A more notable absentee was resident spear tackler Rob Rowe whose forehead-tackling ability was likely to be missed in this crunch contest.

The big news around the town though which, had filtered over from the previous days game was the return of Henley favourite Roy Cox. After some very prolonged negotiations, coupled with months of speculation, it was left till deadline day for HHC to make their power move and sign up the big polo. On the move Cox commented, “After long negotiations about what I was going to do this season, it is now confirmed that I will not be joining Oxford Hawks 4XI but will step back into South Premier 1 to play with the 1st team lads at Henley Hockey Club at 38 years of age.” Cox went on to add, “I’m also really pleased to announce I’ve signed a sponsorship deal with No-Ones who have provided me with free stick tape and a 10% off voucher”.

Interim ball boy and aspiring player manager Ian Heggie was once again standing on the side lines and generally looking out of place. All this despite the media frenzy each Saturday morning about his future.

Onto the game. Guildford had sprung a surprise in previous weeks by beating league filth Banbury and so HHC approached the game with efficient hockey in mind. Henley started strongly and immediately the game was finely balanced as both sides traded blows at each end of the pitch. Some strong defensive plays from head of girls hockey Tom Walter and Ali Slay kept the Guildford pressing outside of the danger D. Going forward Henley’s midfield struck a nice balance from the off with Hetherington and Joyce linking well with Foster and Harding in the heart of the pitch to ease some pressure whilst Henley got used to children’s depth swimming pool GHC had provided as the pitch for the day. With Son of God and descendant from heaven Chris Green leading the line, Henley knew goals would be in the offing as long as they stayed patient.

As time ticked by in the first half, HHC held their nerve well and continued with their game plan. After some smooth link up play down the right hand side, sea-side attraction Jonny Taylor was brought down in the penalty area and without missing a beat, referee Mike Dean had pointed to the spot. As the 6 nations had just begun it was Rhys Joyce's annual period to remind everyone he is Welsh and proud. The part time Welshman stepped up and coolly miss-pushed the ball between the keeper’s legs.
0-1

In quick succession Henley had won a short corner after a Guildford foot violation in the penalty D. An ideal moment to build on the momentum gained from the first goal. Short corner specialist Ali Slay sauntered his way up from full back, barged his way into the huddle at the top of the GHC D and turned to captain Foster “take a seat junior, Daddy’s here”.

A wonderfully clean injection, precise stop from healer of the weak and South Leagues 4th highest goal scored of all time, Chris ‘GOAT’ Green left the ball primed. Up steps Slay, into his flicking stride, the crowd tight lipped, the trigger point arrives and Slay rolls beautiful over the top of the ball to leave it trickling towards goal and easily swept up by the Guildford defence. Play was suspended whilst ground staff came onto the pitch to apply fire extinguishers to the scorched pitch such was the pace on the Slay flick.

Boyed by the positive play Henley decided to do the very un-Henley thing and retained the lead for more the 43 seconds. This gave Henley a strong platform as they began clicking up the gears and creating a boiler room in the Guildford D such was the pressure being exerted in it. Some suave miss-traps from HHC ended with Marlow resident Steve Harding winning a multi player dog pile and tastefully gliding a gentleman’s reverse push into the bottom corner.
0-2

Cox on his return away debut, resisted the Henley tradition to let a couple in for ‘banter’ purposes. With Smarties in the crowd Roy knew it wasn’t a day for a poor performance but still decided to watch a simple shot onto his post and allow it to roll along the goal line.

Straight onto the front foot again, Skipper Ed Foster and Alex Land linked up well down the right wing and as the ball was crossed it was sleep expert and part time Dreams mattress salesman Luke Gupta first too it with a smart deflection into the net.
0-3

With three goals in the bag Henley had achieved their first half targets and went into the break satisfied. In the hostile, leafy surroundings of Surrey the crowd were relentlessly on the back of Durham educated Land. With the goal shaking from Gupta’s fine finish, Land took the opportunity to relieve some pent up feelings towards the home side. Directed at no one in particular but roughly in the direction of every opposition player, Land broadcast that HHC should “bury these clowns” (disclaimer: previous statement has been adapted as it may have involved more discourteous word beginning with C which is also used to describe lady bits). Referee Mike Dean was straight on the scene and brandished a yellow card to ensure the sides came out even after half time, both with 10 on the pitch. When asked to comment, Dean had this to say “It’s only fair at 3-0 down away from home you even things up a little, plus he hurt my feelings as people from Liverpool call me the same word”.

The squad didn’t listen to some un-motivational yammer from Heggie but Joyce had some calming thoughts for the troops and kept a lid on the enthusiasm within the shed.

Henley came out the blocks fast and exchanged some high tempo passes down the right touchline. Flat stick finder Sam Heaver heavily involved in the build up from right half and within a matter of seconds had found a Guildford foot within the penalty area. Henley executed a text book training ground routine as Foster dummied the flick and rolled it back to partially hung-over Gupta who drilled the ball home first time.
0-4

Play was again suspended, as Guildford grounds staff had to bring out a new backboard such was the venom behind Gupta’s slap. Heaver furiously made notes on the techniques and execution involved in the previous play.

The Henley midfield wouldn’t ease of the throttle and turned on the style even more with the game now in a vice like grip. Hetherington, much like world-renowned conductor Lorin Maazel famed for his “excellent baton technique”, continued to control the tempo of the game while Heggie shouted a bit from the side-line. Unrelenting from his first half dominance at full back Ali Slay continued to pick wonderfully weighted passes into midfield, linking up with Foster with a Swiss watch makers precision. Land and Harding decided to play piggy in the middle with the Guildford’s left hand side, Joyce stepped in for a laugh and picked up the ball to play a laser like pass to Green who rounded the keeper only to be unceremoniously upended. Cries from the away stands for a red card with echos of “last man ref!” ringing round the stadium, continuing with his act of fairness Dean brandished a yellow.

Joyce was left with the slightly un-enviable job of scoring the penalty flick against a keeper with no pads on. Being a gent he slipped it to the players left hand side and trotted back to the half way line.
0-5

As the game entered its final stages Heggie actually did something and brought on method Joey Barton impersonator Ed Hughes-Burne and young star Freddie Newbold. Hughes-Barton was the first to make an impression of the two substitutes by giving away a textbook short corner. Hughes-Barton had been watching too much of l’architetto Hetherington’s card finding tackles of pre-Christmas.
Cox, keen to impress his new bird decided to lie on the ball. The resulting second short corner was pulled wide by Guildford to the relief of Cox.

Next it was Newbold's turn to light up the ground. Newbold decided to go for some neat skill and a sumptuous lay off rather than a graphite splitting stick foul and the results were splendid. The lay off found Land who pulled it back to find Green. Being God's right hand man, Green decided to stop time and space. He then adjusted his grip on the stick, positioned his body and dispatched for the second time this season a thunderous back stick into the oppositions net.
0-6

Play was for the third time suspended as St Johns finest had to bring and ambulance on the pitch to attend to Jonny Taylor who after seeing for the second time in a season a reverse drive from the GOAT had passed out with excitement. A few minutes of defibrillator and Taylor was back on his feet to a pattering of applause from the two sets of fans.

With 6 on the board Henley compacted and ensured no un-necessary injuries were picked up after 140 minutes of hockey in two days. Just for the hell of it, Barclays Man of the Match Ali Slay decided to take an early bath and pick up a yellow.

A fine away performance for the Henley golds with a very just score line, so fine in fact the club have opened up a semi-permanent position, which some have suggested is tailored for Heggie. The club have decided to help put something back into the community and have opened a work experience position. With three wins (Guildford game considered in lieu) either side of Christmas, Heggie is a 25/1 shot for the new role.

Man of the Match: Ali Slay
Dick of the Day: Alex Land