Banbury away: An Eyewitness Account

Prologue

Fresh off the back of a well-deserved and much-needed 5-0 victory over Staines, Henley faced a familiar foe the following day as they travelled to Banbury Hockey Club, knowing that another win would keep their dreams of South Premier League 1 survival well and truly alive. It wasn’t going to be easy though, as Banbury are a formidable opponent on their own turf, having lost just three times at home all season.

The events which followed would arguably be best-suited to the big screen, but until that day comes*, they are merely limited to the World Wide Web.

Chapter I: End of an Interim?

It was an unseasonably hot March afternoon. The team gingers (Hetherington, Heggie, Taylor) were all as red as a clown’s nose by the time the warm-up had even begun, and without a millilitre of moisture in the air, the pitch was dry as a fine Manzanilla sherry. Interim Manager Ian Heggie’s pre-match words were filled with emotion, and delivered with the gusto of a man who knows that the board are increasingly running out of patience with his draconian approach to hockey management. With some high profile names banded around the clubhouse as potential successors to the Interim Manager, Heggie knew this was a must-win game for both the team, and him personally.

Chapter II: A breath-taking start

Seemingly inspired by the Interim Manager’s words, Henley started the match at a furious tempo, knowing the first goal in the match was always important in such key fixtures as this. After just 90 seconds, Rhys Joyce played a wonderfully floated aerial down the right touchline to Henley captain Ed Foster, who drilled the ball across the Banbury D for Berkshire’s most intelligent man, Ross Hibberd, to deflect the ball home. Hibberd refused to celebrate the goal because it would potentially mean his old team Oxford University could plummet to relegation, so instead he summoned Ed Hughes-Burne to perform his textbook Arabian Double Front flip into layout. The judges scored this a solid 5.1, but questioned the gender of Hughes-Burne as the hairy legs and hairband combo demanded some ‘prolonged testing‘. Results will be back from the Fédération Internationale de Gymnastique in 7-10 days’ time.

Chapter III: Walter finds the target

Determined to push on from the early goal, Henley deservedly doubled their lead after 20 minutes. A sweet team move resulted in Luke Gupta squaring the ball to Foster, who in turn played an astute reverse stick pass to open goal master Tom Walter, who lifted the ball effortlessly over the onrushing Banbury goal keeper like a marmot mocking a weasel. Walter’s goal celebration somewhere in between Hibberd and Hughes-Burne’s efforts – the classic ‘high-5’, executed with grace and aplomb.

Chapter IV: Cox beaten (but knew where it was going)

Henley knew the match wasn’t won yet though, as Banbury are fine hockey side who create plenty of chances. One of these chances was duly taken on the half hour mark, after some good work down the Banbury right wing resulted in a pint-point cross and a well-dispatched slap past Cox in goal to make it 2-1 to Henley at half time. At half time veteran keeper Cox explained to his team mates that he knew ‘exactly’ where the ball was going for the goal. Reasons for not saving it therefore still unknown.

Chapter V: Half-time

The halftime entertainment was nothing short of spectacular. The capacity crowd were treated to a brass band and aerial display from General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett’s famous ’20-minuters’, led ably by Captain E. Blackadder. In regards to the Henley team talk, Ian Heggie had a cunning plan….

Chapter VI: Classic Ian Heggie

….which resulted in Banbury equalising with 5 minutes played of the second half.

Chapter VII: Gupta’s miss

In barmy conditions, and with 70 minutes already played the day before, Henley were tiring faster than the bunny which didn’t use the Duracell batteries, and Banbury looked the more dangerous team going forwards with 15 minutes left to play. Henley still looked dangerous on the break however, and to the away side’s delight, Luke Gupta was played through 1-on-1 with the Banbury goal keeper by Foster. After executing a textbook quadruple pirouette with flourish, Gupta’s extreme dizziness meant he was unable to find the target with his shot; the ball ricocheting off the corner flag in what one spectator from Banbury described as ‘the worst ******* thing I’ve ever seen in my life, which includes that dreadful Pearl Harbour film’. Unfazed, Gupta picked himself up, dusted himself down, then pointed at the spectator with a steely gaze, and tenderly explained: ‘it’s not over yet sunshine…It’s not over yet’.

Chapter VIII: 11 outfield players

With just 3 minutes left on the clock, Henley knew a draw wasn’t enough to ensure they would drag themselves out of the sticky relegation swamp, so tactical genius Ian Heggie decided to pull off goal keeper Roy Cox. He then substituted him also and replaced him with an additional outfield player, in the hopes that Henley could force a late winner. It was seemingly a case of Heggie strikes again, as Banbury won a penalty corner with 2 minutes left on the clock. Without a goal keeper to protect the goal, Henley knew this could be game over in a course of seconds. However, in a stroke of unbelievable fortune the Banbury drag-out did not reach the top of the D because of the excess sand on the pitch, so Henley miraculously keep it at 2-2 and bombed forward as 11outfield players to try and find a winning goal with just 30 seconds left on the clock.

Chapter IX: Rachel Riley

The giant countdown style clock on top of the Banbury stadium had just started to tick. Rachel Riley, legs glistening beautifully in the March sunshine, was agog with the excitement on the pitch in front of her, and the events which followed are something which neither she, nor the 11,619 citizens of Henley, will possibly ever forget. With 10 seconds to go, Benji Hetherington played a raking ball down the left wing to Tom Walter. Walter turned on a sixpence and found Foster in the Banbury D. Foster held the ball up and managed to find the little toe of a Banbury defender to win a penalty corner on the stroke of the full time whistle. Sure enough, the match was ended at 2-2, but the penalty corner was still to be played out. Would Henley score and move out of the automatic places before the last match? Would Banbury keep it out and the automatic relegation scrap go to the last day of the season?

Chapter X: The Penalty Corner

The 11 outfield players of Henley circled the Banbury D like a pack of ravenous vultures eyeing a sunbathing field mouse. Luke Gupta a solitary figure on the drag-out spot, with his nemesis in the crowd behind helpfully reminding him of his earlier miss. The move was called in the huddle with coach Joyce suggesting that those not normally involved in attacking penalty corners should ‘just run around and look busy’.

The players paused.

The umpires shouted play.

The dragout was accurate, if a little sluggish due to the sticky wicket.

Hibberd’s trap was textbook.

Foster’s delivery was accurate.

Taylor’s deflection…..SUBLIME.

The ball powering through the goalkeeper’s sprawled legs, nestling against the Banbury backboard, giving Henley the 3-2 victory. Mass celebration and bundling followed, with Interim Manager Heggie as pleased as his look-a-likey, Punch.

An unbelievable finish to a brilliant match of hockey.

Epilogue

The only down-side to the epic finale were a series of injuries gained through the celebrations; Sam Heaver tore a stomach muscle chest pumping with Chris Green, Hetherington and Heggie got sand in their eyes whilst performing some kind of bizarre bull fighting ritual, and match-winning goal scorer Taylor received a nasty looking groin injury. Cause unknown.

After the Easter break Henley travel to Lewes Hockey Club, with a chance to secure automatic safety in the league if results in the Havant v London Wayfarers match go their way.

*Ian Heggie has approached Warner Brothers with the film proposal which is currently pending executive approval. George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg have a gentleman’s agreement in place with Henley Hockey Club to direct the film. Tom Hardy has agreed to play the role of stalwart captain Ed Foster, with part-time choreographer/full-time Nancy boy Louis Spence slated to resume his role as Henley legend Robbie Mortimer.